The scene opens to black. And not like Halle Berry half-black. We’re talking total, complete, Wesley Snipes darkness. Darker than Fidel Castro’s heart and more formless than John Goodman’s abs. And then, kind of out of nowhere, God thinks, “Hey, let’s get some lights going up in this joint.” Now, if this had been 1995 and God had been into gadgets with catchy jingles he could have just clapped his hands and there would have been light. But this was back in the days before The Clapper so he actually had to say, “let there be light.” And KABLAMM! There was light.
Once the lights came on, God looked around and realized there was nothing to see. No sun, no moon, no Larry King, no nothing. The place was deader than a white dude in East LA after midnight. God was kind of bummed and he thought briefly about uncreating the light because what’s the point of turning on a light if there’s nothing to see, am I right? But then he thought, “hey, why don’t I just make some stuff to see with all this light.” And BLAMMO! The sun, the moon, and Larry King were created. (Note: Though actually older than time itself, Larry King did not assume his present “human” form until the early 20th Century.)
By day three God had pretty well gotten the hang of the whole “universe creating” thing. In the time it takes most people to finish the Lord of the Rings Director’s Cut, he had whipped up the oceans, the atmosphere, and the United States of America. (Note: Technically he only created North America, but we’re pretty sure he wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t known the US and A was on its way.)
From there, he moved on to graduate-level creations like plants and fish and birds and whatnot. At this point, Gabriel the archangel suggested he create Double Stuft Oreos, but God said the universe wasn’t ready for them yet and created dinosaurs instead. And God saw the T-Rex which he had created and said, “It is awesome.” Gabriel saw the T-Rex and said, “I’ve seen better.” Because of this comment, Double Stuft Oreos would not be created for another8,000 years.
So here we are: day five of the Universe’s life. Like most 5 day-olds, there wasn’t much going on with the world. It just kind of lay there – smoldering in some parts, vegetating in others. Every now and then a volcano would go off. After about fifteen minutes of this, God found out what anyone who’s seen Dante’s Peak could have told him: slow moving lava isn’t as exciting as you’d think. So he created a zoo. He created emus and ostriches, elephants and aardvarks, alligators and octopi, and the cast of The Lion King. A few of the animals didn’t turn out quite like he wanted, but they looked so hilarious that he released them into the wild anyway. The platypus and the three-legged dog are two examples. Elton John is another.
As the sun set on the first Friday afternoon Happy Hour, God was almost finished with his universe. The land masses were rocking. The oceans were cruising. The waters above were doing their thing. The waters below were minding their own business. Things were humming right along. But something was missing. And then it clicked: what good is a zoo without a zoo-keeper?
So God went out the next morning and blew on a pile of clay and WHABAMM! Man was created. No one’s quite sure how this went down but it probably looked something like the movie Frosty the Snowman – just with more legs and less singing. The first dude’s name was Adam and he was played by Charlton Heston.
Adam was crowned King of the Jungle (Note: he preferred “Mr. Universe”) and was told to get busy naming animals and making fruit salads. Adam was down with this setup for awhile, but then one day, completely out of the blue, he was talking to God and was like, “Hey! What’s a guy gotta do to get a little bootie down here?” And God said, “Yeah alright, you’ve earned it.”
He put Adam to sleep, reached into his chest cavity, and ripped out a rib. Fortunately, the King of the Jungle position came with a pretty decent HMO so Adam didn’t have to pay out of pocket for any of this. God took Adam’s rib and transmogrified it into a smoking hot broad. Her name was Evelyn (“Eve” for short) and she was played by Della Reese – a younger, hotter Della Reese. There was some initial concern about Eve because she had been created before clothes were invented, but it ended up not being a deal because her hair was super long and she was always standing behind bushes and stuff.
So anyway, Adam woke up from surgery and immediately asked Eve to marry him. At first she said, “I don’t know, I just went through a tough breakup and kind of need to be single for awhile.” (Note: This is considered by most to be the first joke ever told. Although some have suggested that the creation of the bactrian camel was actually meant as a joke.) After a minute of awkwardness, Eve said “J/K, LoL! Of course let’s get married! Yeah!” And so they were.
After the wedding, God went home, put his feet up and spent all day Sunday reading the funnies and watching football. He’d had a busy week at work, and, with the two lovebirds running The Garden, he knew it was only a matter of time before everything went to hell.
(Closing Note: Some scholars believe that what God meant to say in Genesis 1 & 2 was, “see Origin of Species by Charles Darwin.” Someone should probably look into this.)