Tapping Out Like A Boss: Elijah Calls it Quits
If you fools have been paying attention, I shouldn’t have to remind you what an absolute, balls-to-the-wall baller Elijah the Prophet was. He was a fire-breathing, truth-spitting, corpse-raising, monarch-mocking, Jehovah-worshipping Gnarly Gnarlington. He had tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA and if you borrowed his brain for five seconds your face would melt off and children would weep over your exploded body. Yeah, he was sweet.
So sweet, in fact, that God decided that death was beneath him. No decrepit old age or freak gasoline fight accidents for E-Jay. When God was done with him, He’d just send a tornado of smoke and fire down to E-Jay’s house to pick him up and bring him to heaven. If you can think of a cooler way to call it quits than that, I’d like to hear it. (No, drinking fruit punch and then flying into space to meet a spaceship on the other side of a comet doesn’t count.)
Anyway, after Elijah had lived a long life of faithfulness and assorted acts of awesomeness, God decided it was time to send down his invite to the big Super Bowl party in the sky. Elijah didn’t want the firestorm to cause a ruckus, so he tried to get some solo time when the big day finally arrived. He told his buddy Elisha to hang back in Gilgal while he went down to bang around Bethel for the weekend.
“Not a chance,” said Elisha. So they went together.
When they got to Bethel a buncha other prophets came out and said to Elisha, “You know God is closing the curtains on your boss today, right?”
“Yeah, I know,” said Elisha. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
Then Elijah came over and said, “Alright bro, this is it for us. I gotta go slap those jags in Jericho around a bit. You chill here. I’ll catch you on the flip side.”
Elisha was a smart dude and all, but when it came to taking a hint, he was as oblivious as Buddy the Elf. He told E-Jay, “No, it’s cool. I’ll come with.” So they cruised to Jericho together.
In some kind of weird, déjà vu type deal, Elijah and Elisha ran into another group of prophets in Jericho and had the exact same conversation they had with the prophets up in Bethel. You know your boss is blasting off to Abraham’s bosom, right? Yeah, yeah, I know. Shut up about it. Blah, blah, blah.
By then Elijah knew he was about T-minus two hours from riding his righteous rocketship into the stratosphere so he tried one last time to ditch Elisha.
“Listen broheim, you know I love you,” he said. “You’re a bro among bros. Brotankhamen. Broseph Stalin. Brobi Wan Kenobi. You are Broseidon, lord of the brocean. But, here’s the deal, I gotta head over to Jordan and you gotta stay here.”
“You can take that ‘you gotta stay here’ and cram it up your pie hole,” said Elisha. “I’m coming with.” And so he did.
(Note: Yes, this story is getting as repetitive as a Rage Against the Machine song, but bare with me. Things are bout to jump off.)
Elijah and Elisha (aka E-squared) walked toward the Jordan together. Things were pretty heavy on that final stroll. The Bromance was drawing to a close and Elisha was more bummed out than he’d been since he found out that Lance Armstrong was a juicer. There wasn’t much to say.
When they got to the Jordan River, Elisha rolled up his jeans and got ready to start swimming, but Elijah told him to hold off for a second. He took off his jacket, rolled it up into a rat-tail, and popped the river with it. Did I mention that Elijah was the best rat-tail roller this side of a junior high lock-in? Cause he was. He popped the Jordan River with his jacket and the water split like a French person at a bar fight. The two cruised across on dry ground.
When they got across the river, E-Jay asked Elijah if he wanted anything before he left.
“Yeah,” said Elisha. “Make me twice as powerful as you. Also, I’d love an iPad 2.”
“Wow,” said Elijah. “I was thinking, like, a balloon animal or something. But alright, I’ll play along. If you can keep your eyes open when my holy hurricane blows through, you’ll get what you’ve asked for.”
It’s a good thing Elijah said this when he did, cause right when he finished a team of flaming horses with a flaming chariot came hauling up behind them. Elijah got thrown in the cart and he shot off into the clouds in a whirlwind of fireworks, flames, and phantasmagoria.
Elisha remembered what Elijah said about keeping his eyes open, so he watched the chariot of fire as long as he could. It disappeared into space and, just like that, Elisha was a “one man wolfpack” again. He picked up Elijah’s coat, which had fallen on the ground, and walked back to the river.
Elisha rolled up a rat-tail and said, “Alright God, I know Elijah was your boy, but you and I are friends too, right?” He smacked the river with the coat and got his answer: the waters parted like a bad haircut.
Those prophets who had been busting Elisha’s balls earlier were all hanging out on the other side of the river, and they’d seen Elisha’s little rat-tail river-parting. All were duly impressed. They promised to watch Elisha’s back in the same way that they’d always had Elijah’s back, which basically meant “not at all”, but Elisha thought it was a nice gesture anyway.