The early Apostles remind me a lot of my boy Tony. Tony’s a good dude – good friend, good brother, treats his Old Lady right, all that stuff, but, get this, the dude just cannot stay out of prison. DUI, public intox, resisting arrest – you name it he’s done time for it. Did you know it’s illegal to discharge a pistol at a Kid Rock concert? I didn’t. Neither did Tony. (In his defense, it was in Vegas.) Seriously bro, the guy’s spent more time in the can than anyone I know who is not currently a member of D12. Great guy, though – just like the Apostles.
Take Peter, for example. He was, by all accounts, a bang-up dude. If you can look past the whole “Jesus? Who’s that?” episode, Peter was probably the big man’s favorite disciple – right up there with Scottie Pippen, Andy Richter, and Dick “Dick” Cheney in the Sidekick Hall of Fame. He was also a multiple felon. In fact, when our story begins Peter is once again sitting in the slammer; this time for the crime of “being a Christian.”
I don’t know what King Herod’s deal was – maybe his senior prom date left him for an FCA small-group leader, maybe his fiancé’s Baptist grandma wouldn’t let them have dancing at their wedding – but, whatever the reason, the head honcho of the Hebrews hated Christians even worse than he hated Keith Olbermann (which is saying something).
Herod had already arrested James (John’s younger bro) and paid a gangbanger to shiv him in the shower. This got a buncha positive press from the Jew-folk, and word was out that our boy Pedro was next on the list.
The night before his trial Peterman was sleeping in his cell, chained up to two guards like he was some kind of flight risk, when this dude in a shiny robe started shaking him. Peter jerked awake.
“Don’t tase me, bro!” he shouted.
“Shhhhhhh,” said the angel. “Get your gear, dude. We’re pulling a Shawshank.”
Peter thought he was hallucinating, but he knew better than to talk back to an acid trip. He pulled on his orange jumpsuit and gathered up the Spice Girl figurines which he’d carved out of soap. He tried bringing his ten copies of Catcher in the Rye too, but the angel made him leave them behind.
The two snuck past the guards in Peter’s cell, past the other guards outside the door, and past the Minotaur at the center of the prison. Within minutes they were standing before the prison gate, and it flew open all by itself. Some scholars have taken this to mean that the gate had a motion sensor (like the ones at Kohls), but a more realistic explanation is that Peter’s rescuer was actually Obi-Wan Kenobi.
Peter and the angel walked all the way down the street and then the angel peaced out. Peterman looked around and realized he wasn’t dreaming. He had just pulled a Prison Break and it hadn’t taken him four seasons on Fox to do it!
“Holy Count of Monte Cristo!” said Peter. “Looks to me like the Good Lord himself came down here and sprung me from the stir before King Cruel-and-Unusual could go all Abu Ghraib on me!” Then he ripped his shirt off and danced around in the rain, and everyone agreed it was a real special moment.
After his escapee epiphany, Peterman went straight to his buddy Mark’s mom’s house where he knew the rest of his crew would be hanging out cause it was a Thursday, and Thursday night was Catchphrase night for the early Christians. He knocked on the door and the babysitter answered.
“It’s your Uncle Pete! Now quick, open the door before the fuzz get here and start Rodney King-ing me.”
The babysitter was so excited to hear Peter’s voice that she ran off to tell the grownups and completely forgot to let him in. Also, she peed her pants a little.
“Peter’s here! Peter’s here!” she squealed, but no one believed her.
“Dadgummit, Rhoda!” said her father. “Didn’t I tell you to stay out of the Four Lokos? They got you seeing stuff again!”
“No, I’m serious. It’s really him,” Rhoda insisted.
“I believe you,” said her Uncle John. “But my tommy gun don’t!” Then he pelted her with some Nerf darts and everyone had a good laugh.
While this was going on, one of the other adults overheard someone banging on the door while shouting “five-oh, five-oh!” He opened it to find Peter on the other side. Both men were so overjoyed that they went straight in for a hug.
“I love you, man,” said the guy into Peter’s shoulder. “No homo.”
“No homo,” agreed Peter.
The other grownups came to the door and Peter told them to keep it down. He had to get on the move again before the poh-pohs caught up with him. He told them that a one-armed man had murdered his wife and that he was being setup. Then he disappeared into the darkness.
No one knew what he was talking about, but they were all certain of one thing: they owed Rhoda an apology.