As we all know from Sunday School, one of the perks of being the son of God was that you could boss the natural world around like it was a Michael Buble groupie at a Metallica concert. Where most people saw a hurricane or a booze shortage or a dead person, Jesus saw an opportunity to show the Jews what an All-American he-man he was. The same went with Satan’s minions (demons, Pharisees, Lady Gaga, et al). They got about as much respect from Jesus as Nic Cage gets from moviegoers. Continue reading »
Before there was an Oakland, California, or a Gary, Indiana, or an East St. Louis; before there was a Playboy Mansion or a Sigma Chi House at the U of I; before guys started doing coke in Miami, or hookers in Vegas, or Hilton sisters in Los Angeles they were doing all of that stuff and worse in a place called Sodom and in another place called Gomorrah. (And actually, no, Gomorrah is not where the word “gonorrhea” comes from. I thought that too.) Continue reading »
Here’s a question for you: who creeps you out more, accountants or midgets? If you answered “all of the above” you would be correct. You would also have had some serious beef with this one dude in the Bible named Zacchaeus or “Zach” as his friends called him. Well, actually they didn’t call him that cause he didn’t have any friends, but he always told himself that if he ever made a friend, he would say, “No, it’s cool. Just call me Zach.” Continue reading »
You know what’s really awesome? No, not Snuggie pub crawls. Well, yes, Snuggie pub crawls, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about wedding receptions. Wedding receptions are freaking sweet. Free food, free booze, free cake, tons of chicks looking to grind it out to some Kanye tunes. What’s not to love? If you can stomach being around old people in a non-Indian casino setting, a wedding reception is about the most fun you can have with your pants on. (Which is not to say you necessarily have to keep your pants on. Just that you can still have a good time if you do.) Continue reading »
“Alright,” said the King. “We’ll try this one more time. I’mma play “Fix You” again and this time, when they get to that instrumental part in the middle, I wanna see all three of you on your knees telling my statue how awesome you think it is. If you got a problem with that, you can take it up with HR and by ‘HR’ I mean this giant, fiery furnace right here.” Continue reading »
So it was 44 A.D. and the Artist Formerly Known as Saul had been jamming out in Jerusalem for over a decade. He was getting plenty of air time in the synagogues and lots of love on the K-LOVE affiliates, but Pastor Paul – in the immortal words of Billy Ray Cyrus – had dreams too big for that town and he had to give them a shot. He got that shot in the spring when he was at this super intense prayer sesh up in Antioch. The elders were looking for volunteers to take The Gospel to the heathens and hookers over in Galatia, and Paul immediately jumped at the chance. His buddy Barnabas signed on as well, and – BOOM - SALVATION: The World Tour was underway. Continue reading »
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Several decades after the Donkey-bone Beatdown, Samson was creeping around the Gaza strip looking for some tail. Now Samson was getting up there in years by this point and his body wasn’t quite what it used to be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the dude could still throw a pigskin a quarter mile if you asked him to. He just didn’t have the same figure he did back in the day when he was walking around clubs, lifting up his shirts and saying, “looks like we’ve got a situation here, ladies.” He was old, that’s all. His six-pack had turned into more of a mini-keg and his barbed wire tats kind of looked like ingrown hairs. Continue reading »
Back in the day there was this righteous dude named Samson. No doubt about it: Samson was a baller, and by “baller” I don’t mean “good at basketball” but rather “able to kill several dozen people with a basketball.” Samson was huge in a way that few people not named Jose Conseco can imagine. In fact, he was so huge that he was elected ruler of Israel for, like, twenty years. Some people think it’s dumb to put a guy in charge just because he’s jacked out of his mind. Others, like the residents of California, are apparently cool with it since they once made the star of Jingle All The Way their Governator for the same exact reason. Continue reading »
This story takes place in the Middle East. Back then it wasn’t even called the Middle East. It was called Uz and in the land of Uz there was this one cat who was freaking loaded. We’re talking Bentleys, Beamers, butlers, infinity pools, the works. This dude’s name was Job and he was the balls.
This story is about a dude named Elijah. For three years before this all went down, Elijah, had been kickin it solo in the wilderness east of the Jordan River. Picture it like Arizona or like the episode of Man vs. Wild where Bear Grylls goes to the Mojave Desert except if instead of drinking his own urine, Bear had super-smart ravens that would bring him bread and meat and whatnot. That’s pretty much what it was like for ole E-Jay. Apart from the occasional miraculous resurrection, it was pretty lame. Continue reading »