Offing The Blob: The Story of Ehud The Assassin

Judges 3:12-30

Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. Jason Bourne is in the Bible. Stop calling me gay, I’m freakin serious. There’s a badass assassin in The Bible. If you’ll shut up about how gay you wish I was, I’d tell you about it. Yeah you see what I did there?  Turned that one right around on you.

So there was this dude named Ehud. He was kind of a weird looking dude, based on his weird looking name. He was probably one of those karate nerds.  You know, one of those kids who plays Magic: The Gathering and reads books about dragons but can somehow still kick your ass. Anyway, he didn’t have amnesia like Bourne, but he was left-handed which might be worse. Some scholars think that “left-handed” in the Bible meant that he had a messed up right hand – probably from some kind of high fiving accident.

Ehud was not the kind of dude you’d want to make fun of, unlike you over there Chester. Yeah dude, you’re a junior varsity doucher and you know it.  See, that’s a good example of something you wouldn’t say to Ehud. I swear if one of you idiots makes another Chuck Norris joke I’m going to punch you in the throat. You know I’m good for it!

If you’ve heard any Old Testament stories, you know that the Israelites served as the model for Linsday Lohan’s life. They had everything going for them, and yet they just kept getting DUI’s and slumming it with skanky sea-donkeys. So, once again, they had really pissed God off and were in the dog house big time. Seriously, not until Michael Vick did his thing would someone be as deep in the doghouse as the Israelites were.

Because they kept jacking around instead of following the rules, God put some bad dude named Eglon in power over them as punishment. I think he was from Moab, which I guess is ancient Israeli-speak for Tijuana.  Eglon was the Bible’s Jabba the Hutt. He was a mean, nasty guy and he was fat as a bacon donut. Not like “I love McDonald’s” fat.  We’re talking “I love eating children” fat. When God wanted to punish the Israelites, he really went for it.

Finally, after this fat dude abused the Israelites for a couple decades (probably with lots of pranks involving farts and sweat) they decided to wise up, repent, and ask God for help. Enter the BAMF Ehud. He got an encrypted text from God saying that Eglon had done enough sloppying all over the Isrealites and needed to be taken care of, but not like “a sixpack and a pizza” taken care of, more like “Tony Soprano” taken care of.

Tony Soprano had a weird way of showing affection.

Ehud made himself a foot and a half long sword – no, Chester, that’s not what anyone said.  Anyway, he made that sword and headed over to Eglon’s fat-house.  He told Eglon’s secretary he was bringing a tribute from the Israelites to mask his ass-kicking intentions. We’re not sure what the tribute was, but knowing Eglon, it was probably 3000 nugs from whatever kind of Wendy’s they had back then. After giving the porker his gift, Ehud sent all the servants away because he had to tell Eglon a “secret” that they couldn’t hear. They probably thought he was going to give up the Colonel’s fried chicken recipe, but really it was a lot stabbier than that.

All the servants left, and Ehud told fat bastard that he had a message from God… then BAM, he whipped out his sword and stabbed Eglon in his huge fat gut. Because Ehud was a “give 110%” kind of dude, he not only stabbed Eglon, but he pushed the sword all the way into him until the fat closed in over the handle.  After that Eglon apparently crapped his pants, but, honestly, that was probably par for the course with him.

After offing the blob, Ehud escaped and went to tell the Israelites it was time to put the hurt on the Moabites. They all rolled down to the parking lot or playground or wherever they had 80s movie-style fights back then and kicked the crap out of the Moabites.

Following the fight, the Israelites communally made the “suck it” symbol to the Moabites and did some other Green Street Hooligans type taunting before returning to their favorite pubs for celebratory Jager-bombs. The story doesn’t say anything about what Ehud did after that, but it probably involved leaving the “life of violence” for gardening only to be called upon again by the Israelites when the next Tijuanian took over Jerusalem.