You know what’s really awesome? No, not Snuggie pub crawls. Well, yes, Snuggie pub crawls, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about wedding receptions. Wedding receptions are freaking sweet. Free food, free booze, free cake, tons of chicks looking to grind it out to some Kanye tunes. What’s not to love? If you can stomach being around old people in a non-Indian casino setting, a wedding reception is about the most fun you can have with your pants on. (Which is not to say you necessarily have to keep your pants on. Just that you can still have a good time if you do.)
Of course this is nothing new. Wedding receptions have been rocking for almost as long as women have been ruining sports. Probably longer. So when Jesus got a “Save the Date” for a buddy’s wedding at the Cana Country Club up in Galilee, you better believe he was freaking stoked to go. He took his formal bathrobe to the cleaners, called his boys James and John to see if they’d go in on a George Foreman grill with him, and started counting down the days.
The blessed day finally arrived, and it did not disappoint. Open bar, fantastic finger food, surf and turf combo for dinner, Beastie Boys cover band – Jesus and his crew (aka The Dirty Dozen) were locked and loaded. Now, yeah, this was like two hundred thousand years ago, so I’m sure things were a little different. Like, for example, everyone probably smelled like goats. But, apart from that, pretty much everything else was the same. The girls still walked around taking pictures of the flowers. The guys still stood next to the bar quoting Wedding Crashers.
For most of the evening Jesus and his disciples were posted up near the band so they could keep tabs on the set list. This wasn’t their first rodeo. They knew how easily “Brick House” could ruin an otherwise excellent dance party and they weren’t about to let that happen on their watch. It also made it easier for Jesus to request a few of his favorite jams (e.g. Guns and Roses’ “Knockin On Heaven’s Door” and Shaggy’s “Angel”). This is where they were when Jesus’ mom came over with some bad news.
“We’re all outta booze,” she said. Mary could be a real buzz kill sometimes.
“Mom!” said Jesus. “Why you telling me this? You’re totally blowing my cover here!”
Mary was putting Jesus in a tough spot. See, he hadn’t had the “so listen, there’s something you should know about me” talk with most of the people at the wedding. He’d been waiting for the right time to break the news about his famous father and he was pretty sure this wasn’t it. But, on the other hand, he also knew that a wedding without wine was like American Idol without Simon (i.e. what’s the point?). He couldn’t let that happen.
Jesus looked around the room and spotted six 50-gallon Rubbermaids over by the kitchen. He asked one of the waiters what the trash cans were for and the waiter was like, “I don’t know, probably trash.”
“Oh that’s funny,” said Jesus. “What are you a comedian? Hey, Jeremiah Seinfeld, why don’t you save the jokes for amateur hour at Obadiah’s Ale House and start filling those Rubbermaids with water?”
The waiter melted like an Egyptian snow cone and went off to do as he was told. He returned fifteen minutes later when all six cans were full to the brim. Jesus then told him to go find a Solo cup, fill it with trash can water, and give it to the bride’s father. This got big laughs from the Dirty D who figured Jesus was still busting the kid’s chops for flapping his mouth earlier. The waiter was sure he was gonna catch a beating from the bride’s old man, but he wasn’t about to talk back again.
He took the cup over to the head table and set it in front of the big guy. “Refill, sir?” he said, his voice trembling like Forrest Gump on a first date. The bride’s father picked up the cup and sucked the whole thing down in a single gulp. Bit of a lush, this guy was. The waiter braced for the barrage that was sure to follow, but what he got instead was a bear hug from the ole F-O-B.
“This freakin guy!” Mr. Brides-Dad shouted, rubbing a fat knuckle into the waiter’s scalp. “Usually they bring me the good stuff during dinner and then it’s nothing but Busch Light and Two Buck Chuck once the dancing starts. But not this guy! This guy saves the best for last! I friggin love this guy!”
Mary and the disciples saw this whole thing go down and went immediately to the trash cans to check it out. What they found was not water, not wine, but the most delicious combination of Everclear and Fruit Punch Kool-Aid anyone had ever tasted. No one knew what to call the heavenly beverage so Thaddeus suggested Trash Can Punch. The name stuck.
The reception shot into the stratosphere from there, eventually reaching Panama City Spring Break 2K7 levels of intensity. And people started to figure out that there was something different about that Jesus guy.