Kicking Ahaziah and Taking Names: The Rise of King Jehu
Parental Advisory: This Broble story is rated ‘R’ for rampant violence. Seriously bro, this stuff makes Kill Bill look like a Pixar flick. Children under the age of 17 should be accompanied by a parent when reading this story.
Not long after Elijah left earth on the express elevator to heaven Elisha, his replacement prophet, decided Israel was due for a new king. He gave his summer intern a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette and told him to go dump it on the head of this dude named Jehu. And just like that, Jehu became king. As you can see, appointing a leader has become much more complicated over the past 3,000 years.
The balsamic bath might have made Jehu king in Elisha’s eyes, but there was one problem: Israel already had a king. His name was Joram and if Jehu wanted to wear the crown, he’d have to pry it from Joram’s cold, dead fingers. Fortunately, this is what Jehu was planning to do anyway.
King Jehu gathered his posse and headed to Jezreel where Joram was kicking it with his buddy King Ahaziah of Judah. Joram and Ahaziah were always hanging out because they had a lot of the same hobbies like, for example, pissing off God and trying to not get conquered by Syria. Something else they had in common was that they were both about to get murdered, like, hard.
King Jehu rolled up to the gate of Jezreel and Joram went out to meet him.
“Look bro, we don’t want any trouble,” said Joram.
“If you didn’t want any trouble you shoulda told Jezebel, that two-bit trollop you call a mother, to stop tramping around Applebees five nights a week,” said King Jehu. (Note: This is history’s first recorded “your mom” joke. Not bad for a first effort.)
When Joram heard this, he knew he was about to get Tupac’d. He wheeled his Segway around and booked it back toward Jezreel.
“Run away, Ahaziah. Run away!” he shouted as he blew past King Ahaziah.
Jehu didn’t chase Joram. He stopped his chariot, pulled out his crossbow, checked the wind, crossed himself, and blasted an arrow straight through Joram’s heart from two hundred yards away. (For more information on what this probably looked like, you can watch the movie Troy.)
When King Ahaziah saw his buddy Joram get kabob’d by Jehu, he pieced out in the opposite direction. He didn’t make it far. Jehu chased him down and Ahaziah got capped quicker than a busty blonde in a horror film.
Having settled his beef with his rivals, King Jehu headed into town to give Queen Jezebel a piece of his mind (aka stab her). He rode into the palace and Jezebel started heckling him from her balcony.
“Hey, Ray Lewis, what do you want?” said Her Royal Highness of Whorishness, holding up her fists. “Cause if you want to throw down in fisticuffs I’ve got Jack Johnson and Tom O’Leary right here.”
King Jehu saw a few eunuchs standing behind Jeze-bimbo.
“Hey guys,” he said. “Who up there is tired of taking orders from a used-up curb server who’s slept with every guy from here to Hong Kong?” Three of them raised their hands.
“Well, why don’t you reclaim your balls – sort of – and toss her out?”
So that’s what they did. They threw her off the balcony and she splattered all over the ground like a chicken pot pie. And then she got trampled by horses. And then she got eaten by dogs till there was nothing left of her but a pair of knee-high boots. And that, boys and girls, is why it doesn’t pay to be a parking lot panther.
Next on Jehu’s “People To Kill” list were all 70 of King Ahab’s kids. (Note: say what you will about ole King Abab, the dude had some successful swimmers.) Even though there were a bunch of them, these clowns went down easier than a 16-seed in the NCAA tourney. First thing Jehu did was send letters to the mayors of all the cities where Ahab’s kids were living. The letters said, “Get out your Glocks you sorry S.O.B.s. I’m coming for you and hell’s coming with me!”
The mayors got these letters and were all like, “Oh crap. Did you hear what Jehu did to Joram and Ahaziah? We’ve got a snowball’s chance in Houston of beating him.” So they sent Jehu letters saying, “No, it’s cool. We surrender. Do your thing. We’ll just hang out.” Jehu received their messages and sent out a second letter saying, “Well played, Mr. Mayor. Now go chop off the head of whatever Ahab Jr. is living in your city and bring it to me tomorrow.”
Jehu woke up the next morning and found 70 heads piled up on his lawn. He marked “Mail Order Massacre” off of his Bucket List and went out to pick a fight with the prophets of Baal.
“You thought Ahab loved Baal?” said Jehu to the people of Israel. “Well I loooooooove Baal! Compared with my love for Baal, Ahab looks like a Celebrity Rehab reject. Go tell every prophet of Baal to hightail it to the temple cause I’m gonna make a sacrifice that will blow their minds like nothing they’ve seen since the end of Usual Suspects.”
Once all the prophets got to the temple, Jehu went in and said, “Thanks for coming down guys, but, uhh…just kidding! Ya’ll suckers just got served!” The prophets of Baal got executed like they were Facebook users in China, and their temple got turned into a port-a-potty. (Yes, seriously.)
Once he was done doing them in, Jehu hung up his sword and retired from his life of genocide. He reigned over Israel for 28 more years, but none were as fun as that first one.
Body Count:
Jack Bauer = 123
Jason Statham = 141
Bruce Willis = 200
King Jehu = 215+