Click here for Part 1.
Several decades after the Donkey-bone Beatdown, Samson was creeping around the Gaza strip looking for some tail. Now Samson was getting up there in years by this point and his body wasn’t quite what it used to be. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the dude could still throw a pigskin a quarter mile if you asked him to. He just didn’t have the same figure he did back in the day when he was walking around clubs, lifting up his shirts and saying, “looks like we’ve got a situation here, ladies.” He was old, that’s all. His six-pack had turned into more of a mini-keg and his barbed wire tats kind of looked like ingrown hairs.
So what I’m saying is: when a decently cute (call her a 6.5) chick from the Valley of Sorek took a liking to him, Samson wasn’t really in a position to hold out for a better option even though this Delilah chick was a total slu…even though she didn’t treat him right. Samson fell hard for this broad. Two weeks in and he was totally whipped. Because of this, it didn’t seem weird to him when she asked, “Hey baby, if someone wanted to tie you up and kill you – just hypothetically, of course – what would be the best way for them to do it?”
To his credit, Samson didn’t cave right away. He had some fun with De-lies-lots first. He told her, “If you make me watch 15 minutes of The Bachelor, I’ll be as weak as an appletini popsicle.” So, wouldn’t you know it, the very next night Delilah had a friggin Bachelor marathon queued up on the DVR. They were in the middle of the first episode’s rose ceremony when Samson got bum rushed by some Philistine wankers that Delilah had hidden in the pantry. Samson tossed ‘em like yesterday’s newspaper and sat back down on the couch. He switched the channel to Pam Anderson’s E! True Hollywood Story and left it at that.
The next night, Delilah asked him the same question and Samson said, “If I hear anyone singing songs from Glee, I will become as powerless as Joe Biden.” Samson cracked open a Coors and went into the living room to catch the end of Spiderman III which was showing on FX for the third time that week. Delilah followed him into the room, and started belting out this awful, show-tunes rendition of John Denver’s “Leaving on a Jet Plane.” When she got to the part that goes “don’t know when I’ll be back again” she yelled “NOW!” and four neckless thugs came crashing out of the hall closet. Samson blew up their world like a Palestinian bus stop and finished his beer while the mountains were still blue.
He did this a couple more times, always saying something hilarious like “if you make me eat Pinkberry I’ll crack like Humpty Dumpty at the Daytona 500” or “if you put a loofah in my shower I’ll give way like a New Orleans levy.” Delilah kept falling for it, and the Philistines kept getting rocked six ways to Sunday until, finally, Delilah flipped her lid.
“How can you say ‘I love you’ but not tell me how you could be tied up and killed?” she said. “Don’t you trust me? I’m just curious, that’s all! IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE ACTUALLY WANTS TO KILL YOU!!”
Not even kidding dude, this broad was crazy. Like Texas Chainsaw – Glenn Beck – Blue’s Clues kinda crazy. But Samson couldn’t see it. He was looking at her through boob-colored glasses, and all he saw was that she was everything he wanted in a woman: tramp stamp, “Pink” boy shorts from Victoria Secret…actually, that’s as far as his list went. So he stayed with her.
Finally, after weeks of begging and pouting and pleading and shouting, Samson gave in and told Delilah the truth. “Cut off my pony tail,” he said. “And I’ll become a bigger pansy than that one guy on Saving Private Ryan.” So – surprise, surprise – Samson went to bed that night and woke up with a buzz cut and a bedroom full of Filth-istines. Shocker. I gotta tell ya, sometimes I wonder if Samson didn’t deserve to get punked after letting a chick run him the way Delilah did. But still, the dude got punked pretty hard.
The first thing the Philistines did was poke his eyes out. Then they chained him to a millstone and made him walk in a circle all day while listening to “Bailamos” by Enrique Iglesias on repeat. After a couple weeks of this, they unchained Samson from the millstone and put him in the middle of this big temple in town. Then they threw a big shindig and invited all the Philistine head honchos to come poke Samson with sticks and laugh at what a wuss he was. And there stood Samson, no eyes, no girlfriend, Enrique Iglesias ringing in his ears, taking it like a champ as people he hated came by and dropped retarded one-liners like “you call that a bicep?” and “I’ve only got eyes for you, Samson. Get it? Eyes? Hahaha!”
Finally, it became too much. Samson cried out to God one last time, “Hey God, it’s me, Samson. I know I’ve screwed up real bad here, and I know I probably deserve all this, but please, gimme one last shot to make it right. Gimme my muscles back and lemme get these morons back for taking my eyes.”
Suddenly, it was like he could rep out at 450 again. He pushed against the pillars with all his might and the things toppled over like a pair of drunks at closing time. The roof collapsed, the walls collapsed, the whole friggin temple collapsed and over 3,000 Philistines ate it – including our guy Samson.
And as the temple came crashing down, people swore they heard Samson belting out his second favorite Toby Keith song: “I’m not as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was…”