Family Ties: The Dysfunctional Story of Jacob and Laban
The story of Jacob and Laban is like, super, duper long so I’m going to try and highlight the juicy parts. For real, it’s like five whole pages in the Bible, and dude that text is hella small.
Cool. So Jacob was working for his Uncle Laban, doing hard labor and sweating like a Dr. Pepper commercial. After a couple years of this Laban was all like, “Dude, I feel like a total jerk face. You’re family and you’re working for me for free. How can I pay you?” Jacob put down his weedeater and he said “Uncle Labrador, your youngest daughter – my cousin – is like, bomb-diggity hot. I will work for you to see her nake- I mean, to marry her.” Laban stroked his face fur for a moment and said “Right on. Seven years of work, and she’s all yours.” They high fived, and the deal was sealed.
I don’t really know what to say about the fact that Jacob desperately wanted to bed his first cousin. It’s pretty gross by our standards, but I guess things were different a million years ago when the Bible was happening. There were fewer people in the world, so that meant fewer options. When the hottest babe around was your cousin, you made like you were in West Virginia and did what you had to do.
Fast-forward seven years of anticipatory staring and awkward conversations, and the wedding bells were ringing. Jacob was stoked out of his mind because he apparently really loved this Rachel chick. They partied hard and started gearing up for the no-pants-dance, if you know what I’m saying. Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Jacob was chilling in his crib where the magic was gonna happen. With seven years of preparation, I’m guessing that place was decked out with disco balls and every kind of scented candle and massage oil you could imagine. Jacob was in there, ready to consummate the crap out of that marriage, when sneaky-sneaky Laban sent in his homely older daughter Leah instead of Jacob’s true love, Rachel.
I don’t know if Jacob was wasted, or blind folded (if he was into that), or if he was so just so amped that he didn’t notice, but he ended up sexing the wrong sister. He woke up the next day and saw Leah’s unibrow where Rachel’s angel-face should have been and he jumped out of bed like a bad Ben Stiller movie. (I guess I could just say “like every Ben Stiller movie.”)
Anyway, Jacob was all like “What the crap dude?” and Laban was like “Oh, my bad, I forgot to tell you that you have to marry the older, uglier one first. It’s our custom.” I feel like me and Jacob are pretty similar, so I’m betting he said “I’d like to wipe my butt chasm with your customs” because that’s what I would have said.
Laban, who was their version of a used car salesmen – used donkeys? Carts? – was like “Look, you’re my favorite nephew. You can marry Rachel too, as long as you work for me for another seven years.” Safe to say his name was Uncle Douchbag from that point forward.
Jacob was a good, honorable dude so I know he did some good work for Laban after marrying Rachel, but I really hope he found ways to stick it to him, like mowing “Laban sucks” into his lawn or something. During the next seven years, all Jacob did was work and make sweet love to his two wives. Between the two of them he had a bunch of kids, and despite his Uncle being a classic-case a-hole, Jacob made a good life for himself. He got a Porsche or two, wore Versace suits (but in a classy way, not in a Spencer Pratt at the MTV Movie Awards way), and basically was winning at the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em game that is life.
Eventually Jacob took a step back and looked hard at his life and realized “Man, Uncle Laban really sucks. He treats me like crap and is always trying to screw me over. Aside from all the babes and the massive prosperity, living with Laban is like living in Shawshank.” After that epiphany (which, honestly, should have happened 10 years earlier) God chimed in and said “Yeah Jake, you need to peace out, cue your exit music (probably Ozzy’s ‘Mama I’m Coming Home’) and head back to the land of your fathers.”
Jacob, in a rare Biblical move, actually listened to God. He gathered his flocks and family and got out of dodge. He managed to sneak away while Laban was out shaving his sheep – which is actually not a euphemism – and it wasn’t until three days later that Laban realized he was missing two daughters, one son-in-law, tons of grandkids, and a bunch of goats. He pursued and caught up with them and a Real World style scream-fight slap-fest ensued. They set up a pile of rocks and basically said something like the following:
Laban: Why’d you leave and take Fubar and the Hot One away from me?
Jacob: Because you treat me like garbage.
Laban: Yeah, well, if you cheat on my daughters, I will kill you. But I won’t be around, so I’m setting these rocks up to symbolize the fact that God will be watching you, and he kills harder than I do.
Jacob: Right. These rocks also symbolize a boundary between us which we can’t cross to kill or maim each other.
Laban: I’m down with that.
Jacob: So, we’re cool?
Laban: I wish I could hurt you but God is on your side and I don’t want to go to hell.
Jacob: Good deal. Shalom!
They named the rock pile “Dr. Phil” and went their separate ways.