Can’t Live With Em, Can’t Live Without Em
“I guess the saying’s true, in the poker game of life, women are the rake.” –Ed Norton in Rounders
You’ve heard the story about how God threw the first dude a bone and hooked him up with this slammin honey named Eve, right? (If you haven’t heard it, why don’t you get with the program and click here.) Well this story is about her. Now let me say from the get go that I got nothing against Eve. She was always yapping her jaw during Mad Men episodes, and she only bought skim milk, but all-in-all, she was a pretty cool chick. Plus, Adam’s my boy. So if he’s into her, I’m happy for him. And what’s he gonna do? Hold out for a better option? Yeah right. One time I saw him spitting game at a snow leopard, and it was like watching Helen Keller on American Gladiators. Brutal.
But all of that to say: something wasn’t quite right with that Eve chick. I’m not gonna say she was gullible, but I will say that Adam used to take her snipe hunting, like, once a week and she never figured it out. And I’m not gonna say she didn’t know her place, but she was always mouthing off to Adam with stuff like, “who made you the boss of me?” And Adam would say, “God.” And she’d be all like, “whatever.” So yeah, Eve was good looking and all that, but she had some baggage. She just – I don’t know – she just seemed like the kind of chick who could destroy everything good and beautiful in the world. You know the type.
So one day Eve was walking through the Garden of Eden singing “The Bear Necessities” and munching on a coconut when she bumped into a giant, talking snake. Now I don’t know if life was like a Disney movie back then and all the animals could talk, or if Eve had gotten into some magic mushrooms that morning or what, but for whatever reason, it didn’t bother her when the snake slithered up and said, “Hey toots, did The Big Man really say you guys couldn’t eat from any of these trees?”
“Silly goose!” said Eve. “No, he didn’t say that. He just said ‘don’t eat from that tree in the middle cause it’s bad for you and you’ll die.’”
“Die?! Oh that’s rich,” said the snake. “He’s just messing with you. He knows if you eat that fruit you’ll be able to do math and will finally understand the ending of Donnie Darko. He doesn’t want that. Trust me on this: you’ll be fine.”
Eve fell for it like Kirstie Alley at a Las Vegas buffet. She scarfed down some forbidden fruit, mixed up a nice fruit salad, and gave the stuff to her man, Adam. He went for it as well. They both agreed that this fruit was the best thing they’d ever tasted and were headed back to the tree for round two when they started noticing parts of each other they hadn’t seen before – butts and birthmarks and whatnot. They were as naked as porn stars at a job interview.
This wasn’t the best timing cause God was on his way down to the Garden for He and Adam’s daily racquetball game. Adam wasn’t in their usual meeting spot so God hit him up on his cell, “Where you at?”
“Here I am,” said Adam from a nearby bush. “I heard you coming and I hid cause I got nothing on but my birthday suit.”
“Who told you what a birthday suit is?” asked God. “You been nibbling on the naughty tree?”
“It’s this chick you gave me!” said Adam. “She fed me some of those bad apples for breakfast and now I’m cruising around down here in these shrub skivvies. Also, she makes me drink light beer.”
If you ask me, Adam had every right to toss Eve under the bus for her little stunt, but she wasn’t about to take the fall for this one.
“It was the snake’s fault,” said Eve. “He told me it’d make me a better driver!”
“Bad move,” said God to the snake. “I’m taking back those legs I gave you, so now you gotta crawl on the ground and eat dirt for a living. Also, women aren’t gonna talk to you ever again. They’re gonna think you’re gross and their sons are gonna chase you with shovels.”
But he wasn’t done.
He said to Eve: “Guess what, honey? No more storks for you. You gotta start squeezing out babies on your own.”
“Won’t that hurt?” asked Eve.
“Like you wouldn’t believe,” said God.
And to Adam, He said: “I’m pulling out all these money trees I planted. From now on you gotta work for your cash. Sometimes for eight or nine hours a day. In a row. And you gotta do this for, like, forty-five years. And you only get 10 vaca days per year.”
“That sounds terrible,” said Adam.
“Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays,” said God.
God could see that Adam’s tree branch man-thong was starting to chafe, so he made Adam and Eve a pair of leather onesies. Then He sent them off for nine hundred years of morning sickness and morning drive DJs, respectively.
Fast forward 6,000 years and here we are today. Ice caps are melting, stock markets are crashing, the Los Angeles Lakers are winning, and something called a Ladygaga is giving deaf people new reasons to praise their good fortune. We let dinosaurs go extinct. The Kardashians continue to reproduce. And somehow, after romping and stomping around the globe for six millennia, we still don’t know how to fly! Safe to say: things haven’t turned out like we hoped they would.
Some people blame the Freemasons for this. Others blame Rosie O’Donnell. Not me. I blame that Eve chick. (And Rosie O’Donnell.)