Kicking Ahaziah and Taking Names: The Rise of King Jehu
Parental Advisory: This Broble story is rated ‘R’ for rampant violence. Seriously bro, this stuff makes Kill Bill look like a Pixar flick. Children under the age of 17 should be accompanied by a parent when reading this story.
Not long after Elijah left earth on the express elevator to heaven Elisha, his replacement prophet, decided Israel was due for a new king. He gave his summer intern a bottle of balsamic vinaigrette and told him to go dump it on the head of this dude named Jehu. And just like that, Jehu became king. As you can see, appointing a leader has become much more complicated over the past 3,000 years. Continue reading »
Tapping Out Like A Boss: Elijah Calls it Quits
If you fools have been paying attention, I shouldn’t have to remind you what an absolute, balls-to-the-wall baller Elijah the Prophet was. He was a fire-breathing, truth-spitting, corpse-raising, monarch-mocking, Jehovah-worshipping Gnarly Gnarlington. He had tiger’s blood and Adonis DNA and if you borrowed his brain for five seconds your face would melt off and children would weep over your exploded body. Yeah, he was sweet. Continue reading »
We Didn’t Start The Fire
“Alright,” said the King. “We’ll try this one more time. I’mma play “Fix You” again and this time, when they get to that instrumental part in the middle, I wanna see all three of you on your knees telling my statue how awesome you think it is. If you got a problem with that, you can take it up with HR and by ‘HR’ I mean this giant, fiery furnace right here.” Continue reading »
Rocking Out At Rock Bottom: The Story of Job
This story takes place in the Middle East. Back then it wasn’t even called the Middle East. It was called Uz and in the land of Uz there was this one cat who was freaking loaded. We’re talking Bentleys, Beamers, butlers, infinity pools, the works. This dude’s name was Job and he was the balls.
King Xerxes: Beyond The Banana Hammock
Of all the weird celebrity cameos in the Bible, the one that freaks me out the most is that creepy Persian king from the movie 300. That’s right: the bald dude with the banana hammock and Dennis Rodman-esque body piercings is in the Old Testament. And no, he’s not in one of those bush league Catholic chapters. I’m talking about the real Bible. Continue reading »
Doing It The Hard Way
Round about 800 B.C. there was this guy named Jonah living over in the east Mediterranean. Despite living in one of the worst places ever, Jonah actually had a pretty sweet gig over on the West Bank seeing as how all he ever did was pray, prophesy, and smoke hookah at “Jonah’s Brothers”, his brothers’ hookah lounge/off-track-betting parlor. Yeah, life was pretty sweet for our man Jonah.
Then one day Jonah’s boss (aka God) stopped by and told him to pack his bags cause he was getting transferred to this real crap-hole called Ninevah for awhile, and just like that his life of leisure came crashing down like a Jenga tower next to Stevie Wonder. Continue reading »