Can’t Live With Em, Can’t Live Without Em
“I guess the saying’s true, in the poker game of life, women are the rake.” –Ed Norton in Rounders
You’ve heard the story about how God threw the first dude a bone and hooked him up with this slammin honey named Eve, right? (If you haven’t heard it, why don’t you get with the program and click here.) Well this story is about her. Now let me say from the get go that I got nothing against Eve. She was always yapping her jaw during Mad Men episodes, and she only bought skim milk, but all-in-all, she was a pretty cool chick. Plus, Adam’s my boy. So if he’s into her, I’m happy for him. And what’s he gonna do? Hold out for a better option? Yeah right. One time I saw him spitting game at a snow leopard, and it was like watching Helen Keller on American Gladiators. Brutal. Continue reading »
What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate
One of the great things about God wiping the whole world out with a flood (Note: see Jars of Clay or Steve Carrell for more info on this) was that you didn’t have to travel cross-country to see your crew anymore. I mean, I love a road trip as much as the next guy who just finished On The Road, but sometimes I don’t feel like sitting in a Jeep Grand Cherokee for 15 hours just to watch my bro get hitched to some broad I don’t even know, you know what I’m saying? Sure you do. Continue reading »
There Goes The Neighborhood
Before there was an Oakland, California, or a Gary, Indiana, or an East St. Louis; before there was a Playboy Mansion or a Sigma Chi House at the U of I; before guys started doing coke in Miami, or hookers in Vegas, or Hilton sisters in Los Angeles they were doing all of that stuff and worse in a place called Sodom and in another place called Gomorrah. (And actually, no, Gomorrah is not where the word “gonorrhea” comes from. I thought that too.) Continue reading »
Family Ties: The Dysfunctional Story of Jacob and Laban
The story of Jacob and Laban is like, super, duper long so I’m going to try and highlight the juicy parts. For real, it’s like five whole pages in the Bible, and dude that text is hella small.
Cool. So Jacob was working for his Uncle Laban, doing hard labor and sweating like a Dr. Pepper commercial. After a couple years of this Laban was all like, “Dude, I feel like a total jerk face. You’re family and you’re working for me for free. How can I pay you?” Jacob put down his weedeater and he said “Uncle Labrador, your youngest daughter – my cousin – is like, bomb-diggity hot. I will work for you to see her nake- I mean, to marry her.” Laban stroked his face fur for a moment and said “Right on. Seven years of work, and she’s all yours.” They high fived, and the deal was sealed. Continue reading »
The Pilot Episode
The scene opens to black. And not like Halle Berry half-black. We’re talking total, complete, Wesley Snipes darkness. Darker than Fidel Castro’s heart and more formless than John Goodman’s abs. And then, kind of out of nowhere, God thinks, “Hey, let’s get some lights going up in this joint.” Now, if this had been 1995 and God had been into gadgets with catchy jingles he could have just clapped his hands and there would have been light. But this was back in the days before The Clapper so he actually had to say, “let there be light.” And KABLAMM! There was light.